Only Time

I have to wonder, when looking back on the past, do we tend to see an abundance of heart-warming moments or a chain of ill-fated events? Do we reflect more upon old regrets and missed opportunities or the times when we acted on pure impulse and spontaneity? Is our past charged with colorful people and events or does it speak of a slow and steady pace? Is it bursting with laughter or encased in sadness? Did we live each day richly or did we squander away valuable moments? Will we merely have glimpses of those that we loved but are no longer in our lives or will we truly cherish them and carry them with us for all time? Do we define ourselves by what we have accomplished or what we have yet to achieve? Do we long more for the past or an uncertain future?

I think if I look just behind me, I’ll see many smiling faces, good conversations and intense moments of bliss. I open my heart to the good because it feels familiar, warm and safe. It’s an old friend touching me on the shoulder and whispering secrets in my ear. I step into the moment and smile both inside and out. But if I look further back – far beyond yesterday – I see uneven sprinkles of the good and the bad.

The bad is another story. I intentionally blur the bad memories for fear of pain, disappointment and heartache. I keep them very close to the surface without exposing them. I try to silence them before whole stories and conversations unfold. Yes, they are a blessing in disguise because without them, I would not have grown as a person or known desire. But they are also anchors in many ways – when I let them fill my mind. Then and there, I stand on the edge of hope and depression – both chained to the past and reaching for a new memory that I truly wish to be good. Often, I slip back into the past but am buoyed by the reminder of future good. I don’t delete the bad. I merely inch forward a little each day until I find the strength to resolve the past, to accept the bad in its entirety and somehow surrender myself to tomorrow.