I see a pattern developing. V is now the fifth friend to tell me that I'm a man when it comes to showing emotion and being emotional. Apparently, I'm an anomaly. Where most women may react to stressful situations with free flowing emotion, I remain calm and collected (in most cases). Short of being called a tin man or a robot (both of which I'm not), I can't think of another comparison for my "man" behavior. In truth, I don't deny this claim, but I can't really help the way I'm wired. And I don't think I should have to change what's natural to me. I've made it this far in life and I think I'm a fairly stable person. At the same time, my friends also know me as a sentimental person. I know this too. I knew it when I was in grade school.

Then again, what man would write about feelings and sentiments? So I spare someone a cry or awkward outburst. Maybe it's an act of kindness. Maybe I'm strangely unique. What's important to me is that I'm in touch with my feelings and deeply passionate about people and things that matter most to me. For better or worse, I'm just me.

Bday

Handsome told me to hold on to my twenties. Hold on to them for dear life? Perhaps. But then again, I've never quite felt my real age nor dwelled on the number. I've always known myself to be an old soul and a kid at heart. So instead of counting time that has gone by, I try to measure myself in terms of self-improvement and happiness.

Years ago, I was in a card shop browsing their selection of keepsakes. A few vases caught my eye, partly because I'm obsessed with any and all containers and partly because one was imprinted with the words "be happy." I thought it was a simple and inspiring mantra. It was also a gentle reminder to myself about what is important in life -- to find happiness in everything I pursue.

The questions I often ask myself - am I the best person I can be, am I unequivocally kind to those I know and love, am I creating and recognizing opportunities - begin and end with happiness. I'm happy when I find time to reflect and indulge in introspection. I'm happy to meet new people and experience new things and places. I'm happiest when I learn and can share learnings with others.

I know I still have a lot to learn and experience, but luckily, my timeline is my own. I'm a work in progress and I accept that. And with that knowledge, I intend to chase happiness with all of the conviction and passion that life experience brings.

Two

An old but inspiring email chain between two strangers (back in the days when social networking sites were just taking shape)....

----- Original Message:

inevitably, i've placed myself at somewhat of an impasse...you see, i wish to tell you something genuine about all of what your page says to, about and for you and how that has in some very real way spoken to me...i suppose it was because much of it has been spoken before from the lips of my own thoughts...for that i will smile the smile of certainty ...the inward grin one makes when one has stumbled upon a great secret of the universe...i've come back to a place where i reaffirm that the few who do exist, do so with a vibrancy and dynamism befitting of the word living....as strawberry to passion, so too are you and awareness, thanks for the smile...

-PS

‡

I think we all have a need to project and express ourselves on a blank canvas in order to catch a glimpse of ourselves that we would otherwise miss. I suppose I filled my page with those words and pictures with the knowledge that I would retain a certain and yet uncertain anonymity. I often think I know myself, but sometimes, I don't really form an opinion until I see myself through another's eyes. Thank you for that glimpse of self and blind faith.

smiling back,
K

One

August 1. V and I had an interesting conversation last night. Perhaps it was our tapas and sangria induced state, or simply an outpouring of thoughts we had kept so close to the vest, but it was good food for thought.

People move on, move away and grow apart. At the end of the day, it's those around you that matter most. Whether there in body or spirit, they understand you and love you unconditionally for who you are, and not what you can do for them. Maybe it's a quality few or one. It's a conscious decision and a conscious effort in who you let in. And if you're fortunate enough to choose wisely, they accept the invitation and stay indefinitely.

Wanderlust

I remember the trip quite vividly. It was my first time backpacking in the foothills of the English countryside. We had no real itinerary, just a map in our hands and an open ticket. We saw so many amazing places and often reveled in silence together. It was a bittersweet time because it was a trip with an impending goodbye. It was also a happy time for me because I was traveling and exploring places where natural beauty was wildly abundant and untouched by time (some even traversed by Tolkien himself).

It's probably silly of me to think about it now, but I was reminded of that wrinkle in time by my wallpaper photo (of all things). The landmark we were supposed to see was closed for the evening, so we improvised and explored around it, over it and under it. It was a decent hike to the top of the cliff, and well worth it. We were the only two people there. With clear blue skies, we could see stretches of land and sea for miles in all directions. We saw the tip of France.

As much as it was a trip of two, it was also a trip of one. Despite an initial travel mishap and being stranded in London alone, jetlagged and dragging 45 pounds of dead weight, I decided to embrace the experience. By plane, train, bus and foot, I traveled to the point of exhaustion, but my brain was wide awake. My senses were always stimulated, yet tapped into a sort of calm that only happens when one's heart is happy and contentedly full.

It was a trip with purpose. I became a wanderer and a seeker. I walked away with a renewed sense of purpose, self knowledge and spirit. And with every trip thereafter, that knowledge continues to unfold. The heart is fed. The spirit is awakened.

V-squared

I love how two seemingly similar people can be so different. They spent their formative years together in college and from what I understand, they shared some turbulent, eye-opening and wild times. That's part of the colorful story best friends should tell. They influenced one another in all the ways that count and supported each other through hard times.

I didn't have the pleasure of knowing them back then, but I'm honored to know the dynamic duo today. They're both strong, smart, savvy women who know what they want and never hesitate to go after it. They're gutsy, shameless and spontaneous. They have the ability to make me laugh and cry with one sentiment, a warm gaze or just a smile.

V-squared can also be described as two sides of the same coin. V says one thing and Q says another. No one is wrong -- they just usually offer two distinct viewpoints. For me, it's not all that surprising. I tend to think like them, so when they offer advice, it's like listening to myself weigh both sides of the argument. It's hearing my own conscience telling me I should, but then I shouldn't...

They are my collective voice of reason. More often than not, they are life coaches who dish wisdom, spot-on advice and raw honesty. They keep me sane when I feel like giving in or giving up. They remind me (without fail) that I'm special and to believe in myself. They don't tell me what I want to hear, but rather what I need to hear. They invited me to play Miranda. They appreciate and commend my sarcasm. They minted the loin cloth and "sweat be gone" jokes.

They're my dynamic duo.

Mrs. Julia Chin

Ever since we met in kindergarten, Joo Yong has been a best friend and sister to me, and someone I will know and cherish for all my life. She's someone who gives with her entire heart, always sees the best in people and cares deeply for those around her. We often joke that even from our rocking chairs - 50 years from now - we'll still be laughing and talking for hours like things have never changed, and with Joo Yong, I know it's true because that's the kind of special person she is. Today is somewhat bittersweet for me, not because I'm letting go of that image of us 50 years from now, but because I'm officially seeing my best friend off tonight to begin a new journey and chapter of life. It's certainly not an easy thing to do, but I'm reassured because I know I'm leaving her in good hands with Ronald - someone who truly gets her, makes her smile on the inside and out, and I know, will cherish her for all his life.

6.22.08